Edinburgh Castle
OK, let's address the elephant in the room.
Edinburgh Castle is an eyesore, and it's got to go.
Stupid Castle
Built on a huge 260 foot pimple of volcanic rock named Castle Rock (I'm sure it was named that BEFORE they built the castle), in its day Edinburgh Castle was a necessary fortress of strength. There were all those Anglos and Saxons and Visigoths and Vikings and what not, running around swinging their swords and basically ruining everyone's day.
They needed some nice strong fortress for ducking and/or covering. I get that.
But for crying out loud, this is the new millenium. We don't need that kind of protection anymore. We've got Ring. We've got smart phones. With AI even!
Meanwhile, this castle is still up there, casting its shadow on Princes and Lothian streets. There isn't any place to escape it.
When you're at Jollibees, just trying to eat your Chicken Joy and Sweet Spaghetti in peace ... it's sitting up there just menacing you. Taunting you. Saying to you, "Hey little man, I dare you. No, I double-dog dare you to attack me. (awkward pause). I mean, when you're done with your Chicken Joy, of course."
Well I've got news for you ... stupid Edinburgh Castle. I'm not gonna waste my perfectly fine day storming you.
And if you don't shut up, I'll tell mom.
Plus It's Ugly (*)
I'm sure Edinburgh Castle was the Vanderbilt Mansion of its day (the 1300's). I'll bet the parties there were off da hook. I'll bet there was a line and a velvet rope that you had pay some burly man to let you in ... impervious to the fact you were starving and had 12 kids in tow and the Visigoths were breathing down your back.
But now it just doesn't go with the decor.
The big problem is this. It's a tad overbuilt.
I mean, I understand. You got lots of money, you want to look the part. You want to impress the eventual suitors so they can marry your daughters and get them the hell out of the castle. I've watched every episode of The Gilded Age, so I know that works.
Here we are 700-odd years later, and it's kind of embarassing. No longer having the money to pay staff, you have to let the tourists in.
... Thousands of tourists every year. They're all hanging around the Holyrood House gift shop looking for something to do, and they see the a big menacing looking structure up the Royal Mile. It's definitely not a Starbucks or a Hard Rock Cafe. The windows (what little there are) need a spritz of Windex. And they say, "I wonder what that big ugly building is?"
45 minutes of hard walking up the hill, and they discover the truth about Edinburgh Castle.
It's not just grey and weather-beaten and ugly.
It costs £22 to get in.
Kids Don't Like It Either
Despite the challenging hill leading into the Castle, with parents leaning on that stroller at a 45 degree angle, huffing and puffing ... children have absolutely no tolerance for this monstrosity. The air is a cacophony of their cries and displeasure.
It is not just that they dislike it. They actively dislike Edinburgh Castle. They must let the entire world know what a total waste of their valuable time this is.
Perhaps these children don't understand the deep historicity behind Edinburgh Castle. Because there are no Instagram feeds from that era, there is absolutely no way to understand what it was like to live there. The inhabitants were like a different species almost. They didn't eat, they didn't sleep, ... hell, I'll bet they didn't even play Cyberpunk 2077 or listen to Taylor Swift. How could we possibly relate to them?
There is no color. There are no buttons to press. There's no place to plug in your charger. No wonder kids don't like anything about it.
I take that back. Kids do like one thing about Edinburgh Castle.
The gun. Mons Meg they call it.
The gun that's pointed straight at my AirBnb in New Town. These kids are climbing all over the gun, examining it from all angles, pounding their little fists on the turret. They are just a couple of centimeters from setting it off.
If one parent ... one parent ... takes their eyes off their kid for a second, my neighborhood is toast.
I read my AirBnb agreement. A Mons Meg attack is definitely not covered.
Edinburgh Castle must go.
Second Opinion
I realize others may have a different opinion. They're all "The Castle is not the problem, people are the problem."
If that's true, let's not stop there. The Earth is the problem. The solar system is the problem. The whole friggin' universe is the problem ... if the universe had not made it so tempting to build a castle, we wouldn't have this problem named Edinburgh Castle.
Now that that's settled, ... some folks are of the opinion that Edinburgh Castle is a good thing.
One of them is my wife Amy. She is happy and positive and well-adjusted and writes a blog about Scotland that totally contradicts mine. It makes you wonder how two people sharing so many of the same experiences can have so different a perspective? Or, more to the point ... what is she doing with him?
Why don't you go find out?
I double-dog dare you.
A guy is in his doctor's office. The doctor says, "I've got some bad news. You only have 6 months to live."
The guy thinks about this and responds, "I would like a second opinion."
The doctor says, "Oh, OK. Plus you're ugly."
