Imposter Syndrome

It was April. I was standing on the edge of the Salisbury Crags, the plateaus which jut out underneath Arthur's Seat, the highest point in Edinburgh. I surveyed the entire city of Edinburgh, its beautiful stone work, its ancient church towers and clocks, the blue Firth of Forth rushing out to the North Sea, the Pentland Hills west, and the yellow flowers and heather.

And I thought, "This is too beautiful for me."

Symptoms

I love Scotland, but I don't belong here.

I am not smart enough, nor good-looking enough, nor charming enough.

It's not the fault of the Scottish people. They have been welcoming, helpful and understanding. They don't treat me like a cheap American knockoff.

That just makes me feel worse. I am not welcoming or understanding ... and if I'm helpful it's purely by accident.

Not only that, I have left behind messes in my work, my community and my home in Ithaca that others must clean up. If I were back home in Ithaca, I'd be cleaning out the garage, helping at the soup kitchen, writing more code for the Vet School, helping my team mates answer tough questions, giving blood (Hey Red Cross, quit calling me! I am in Scotland! I cannot give you blood right now!). I'd be where I belonged.

In other words, if I were a decent person I wouldn't be in Scotland right now.

Diagnosis

OK, I may have Imposter Syndrome.

The term Imposter Syndrome is bandied a lot these days, and the technical meaning is a "self-doubt of intellect, skills or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals."

My case is not that serious. There are people with Imposter Syndrome who struggle with it mightily everyday. It affects their sleep life, their appetite, and their energy level. Mine is not nearly at that level. It is a vague feeling rather than a disease, the same way "feeling blue" is a shadow of clinical depression.

Gaaah. I have Imposter Syndrome about my own Imposter Syndrome. How messed up is that?

My niece Ramona is an expert American-living-abroad, having done so in Thailand a few years ago. We sought her advice before moving to Scotland. Ramona said there will be a point, maybe 2 months into your stay, where you feel everyone is looking at you. You will be uncomfortably self-conscious.

I don't feel extremely "observed" - Edinburgh citizens are so accustomed to tourists, that they just ignore everyone by default. But I do feel self-conscious. I am continually saying "sorry" ... when I brush against someone or my Google Pay watch doesn't work, or I take too long counting out change. Sometimes I'm sorry just for living.

Like I said, the Scottish do not give a "you're unwelcome here" vibe. So this Imposter Syndrome is largely my own problem.

And yet...

Edinburgh has a reputation for being snooty and posh. This stereotype is thrown around by Glaswegians, but I think some of it is deserved.

I mean ... Edinburgh has opera, for crying out loud. And not just opera - opera that people actually attend! (There are subtitles - evidently Edinburgh poshness has its limits). And there are so many people in business suits. No ties, but enough to make you feel underdressed in your cycling shorts and Chesapeake Challenge jersey. (I'm going to spin class, cut me some slack).

I think there's something deeper going on, and it's not just limited to Edinburgh.

Scotland is a country whose churches are 900 years old. They have struggled against conquering Scandinavians and English ... in a way, they are still struggling. They have preserved the Scots Gaelic language, the cobblestone streets, the fairie stories and their independent hearts for a long, long time. The land and climate here is unforgiving, and yet they managed to find sustenance and finely skilled craft here.

And they won't stop yammering about it. From their ceilidhs to their museums to their libraries to the cut of their kilts and balmoral caps ... Scotland celebrates Scotland.

As it should. Because Scotland is awesome.

Sometimes your inferiority complex stems from being inferior. Surprise, surprise.

Root Causes

I am reading a biography of the great 80's Scottish band The Blue Nile. They're a brooding and introspective bunch, a real anomaly in 80's electronic music. But they have a rabid cult following ... me included.

The best description of The Blue Nile comes from Melody Maker: "The Blue Nile sound more like being in love than being in love does. "

I was surprised to learn all three members of the Blue Nile grew up Catholic. But in retrospective, as I pored over the lyrics from their first two albums, this fact illuminated some lyrics that were previously opaque. Jerry Burns, a friend of the band and a singer-songwriter peer, describes the lead songwriter Paul Buchanan this way:

This sounds vaguely familiar.

I was raised Catholic, and I know how this feels. I can see where it might utterly stop you from doing anything, might send you into a permanent analysis paralysis.

But I also see the beauty of it. It is a great equalizer of humans. We all have fallen short, done a little bit less than we could, made mistakes. All religions recognize this to some degree. Maybe Catholicism makes it more personal. That no matter where you are, this is not your home. It is all of ours.

Perhaps the question is not whether you have Imposter Syndrome. The questions are: how much should you have ... and what should you do about it?

Treatment

Long ago, way back in the 2000's, I learned to salsa dance. My friend and teacher Kerri Vaughn passed on to me some good advice.

She said when you are at social dance, you will see people that dance better than you. They will be intimidating. They will move fluidly and effortlessly, something you have tried a thousand times and know how unnatural it is. They will move in ways you cannot parse. They will scare you shitless.

But ... every once in awhile, you should ask one of these dancers to dance with you.

That is how you get better.

Living in Scotland is like dancing with someone way out of my league.

Am I getting better? I'm sweating, looking at my feet, and really trying. Man, I hope so.