Lunch

Craig Riecke

23 Sep 2024 — 9 min read

You could trade this for a Twinkie, but you won't want to.

When you think of UK food, you think Yorkshire puddings, blood sausage, a big roast beef, maybe some scones with clotted cream. You think of lords and ladies sitting around the dinner table wearing pointy hats, gobbling a mutton leg dripping with gravy, and throwing the bones in the corner of the castle. And then dying of gout at 28 years old.

Your stereotype needs a refresh, mate. Today it's a sandwich and crisps served Al Desko.

And sandwich and crisps is the most popular lunch in the UK hands down. It's the equivalent of a hamburger and fries in the US. It crosses class lines, which is admittedly more of a feat in the UK than the US. In the Sainsbury, I see financiers in power suits grabbing a ham and mustard and construction workers grabbing the cheese and onion crisps, then swapping places across the supermarket aisle. A sandwich and crisps are the great equalizer.

I've been in Scotland and England, and there appears to be no difference between them on this issue. For breakfast, the Scottish may eat sausage rolls and porridge, while the English eat Wheetabix (gross). But on lunch they are simpatico.

Bread Filling Bread

You might be picturing an American version of the lunch: PB&J and Ruffles. But the UK lunch is different.

Back in the 1970's, American sandwiches were a literal hellscape, epitomized by the K-Mart "bag o' sandwiches". You would get 6 hamburger buns with an anemic slice of bologna, a few threads of shredded lettuce and lots of raw white onion (cheap) in each. Just walk into a K-Mart and you were immediately clubbed over the head with that onion smell. shudder. All my nightmares begin like this.

Then, the American lunch entered a renaissance with the mainstream introduction of the submarine sandwich. Subways and Blimpies sprung up all over, the product of ultra-cheap franchises and a craving for submarine rolls directly out of the oven. "What? You can put oil and vinegar on the bread? And oregano? Sign me up!"

It didn't wake too long to figure out: Subway was all about the bread. Everything else in a Subway sandwich tastes like ... pretty much nothing.

I used to visit my late wife in the nursing home every day after work, where we would catch up on each other's day and watch Y&R (that's The Young and the Restless - best soap ever.). When visiting time was over, the only thing open was a Subway and I'd stop in for a sandwich and crisps.

It fit the numb mood I was in. Subway is food for the numb.

The UK sandwich, on the other hand, is a joyous affair. No submarine shenanigans here. The sandwich is two pieces of bread with filling, cut diagonally as God intended (see Genesis Chapter 1). It is packed in a cardboard triangle with a big clear plastic hypotenuse so you can see the filling in all its delicious glory. If you get two sandwiches, you can fit them into your backpack into a giant, uncrushable square by joining the hypotenuses (what is the plural of hypotenuse? hypoteni?).

All of the grocery chains have sandwiches and crisps: Sainsbury's, Waitrose, Tesco, Morrison's, Asda, Lidl, M&S (my favorite), the drugstore Boots ... even the Royal Post Office, which in the UK is more of a 7-11 convenience store than a government agency. Many have a Meal Deal where you can get a sandwich, crisps and an Irn Bru for £4.

All UK sandwiches taste fresh. I don't know how they do it, and quite frankly, I don't wanna know. The Brits no longer seem to be dying of gout at 28 years old, so (cross fingers) it's probably OK. But it's kind of amazing, since the sandwich may have been made the previous day. How do they get the drippy fillings like tomato to keep from sogging the bread out?

Years of practice. That's what I'm going with.

And what, pray tell, do they put in their sandwiches? I can tell you this much: there is no turkey anywhere. Turkey might be the backbone of an American sandwich, but not the UK sandwich. Also, there are generally no "spicy" Italian meats like salami, bologna, pastrami or mortadella. And there sure as hell ain't no peanut butter.

What are you left with? Lots, really:

Ploughman's - Cheddar, lettuce, tomato, and ploughman's pickle (a sweet chutney with lots of assorted veg). If you've read Scottish Cuisine you know my feelings about the Ploughman's. The Ploughman's has the power to drag your tired ass out of bed in the morning and get you to work ... just so you can hear that noon lunch whistle. It's that good.
BLT - Why does BLT bacon need to be hot? Answer: it don't. UK bacon tends to be a lot more meat and lot less fat, which may freak Americans out, but it makes an thoroughly room-temperature BLT possible. Otherwise the UK version is no different than American. Do I need to sell you on its virtues? Of course not. Suffice it to say, the tomato makes-or-breaks a BLT, and UK tomatoes are superb.
Prawn Mayo - I said before that a sandwich is the great class equalizer, but this might be the exception. You won't get this in a meal deal - it's a £5 sandwich on its own. Prawns are much more prominent in the UK than shrimp, although the flavor is pretty much the same. But the prawns tend to be bigger. This is the more sedate cousin of a lobster roll.
Egg and Mayo - Plain ol' egg salad. But it's not called salad in the UK because salad means "lettuce and tomato". So in made-to-order sandwich shops (not the Sainsbury) they will ask "do you want salad?" This is lettuce and tomato on the sandwich not off to the side. Confusing, I know. Lunch should not require actual brain power, but what can you do?
Ham and Mustard - I have never understood this, but English mustard is explosively hot, as opposed to just about every other English foodstuff. The ham is nothing to write home about - I prefer the US's funky Southern Country Ham. But it's not bad. Slather some Colman's English Mustard on it, and it's elevated to the next level. Have you ever had wasabi? That's the neighborhood we're in.
Cheese and Onion - You'd think this would be like a Ploughman's, but it's not. It's basically just shredded cheese mixed with a little red onion and mayo. No lettuce or tomato, and definitely nothing sweet and interesting like ploughman's pickle. Meh. It's not my thing.
Coronation Chicken - Is this a sandwich you eat with you pinkies out? Not necessarily. It's just a chicken sandwich with curry mayo, and the chicken's a little chunkier than normal. It is the official coronation dish of the late Queen Elizabeth II. I like the sandwich, despite the queen's rather abysmal treatment of Lady Diana Spencer. And I know what you're thinking. King Charles III's coronation dish was quiche. That ain't going into an M&S sandwich anytime soon. What was he thinking? Maybe it's time to dismantle the monarchy.
Roast Chicken and Stuffing - Yeah I know. It's bread on bread action. It's like ordering risotto with a side of spaghetti. Blah blah blah. Stuffing is the butter and herbs, and that's what elevates this whole sandwich. It's like shoving haggis onto the sandwich ... which they actually do in Edinburgh, but not in packaged grocery store sandwiches. I guess it's too "exotic".
Roast Chicken and Bacon - A really popular choice, and it's like mooshing a BLT and a chicken sandwich together. What could be wrong with that? It's the equivalent of a Reese's Peanut Butter cup.

And now a special shout out to a sandwich you can't get in a supermarket. But it's so sublime and tasty, it's getting a hallowed place in my post:

Sardine - This is from Alby's Big Hot Sandwiches in Leith. Start with homemade ciabatta. Pile on some sardines, melty cheese, mayo, rocket lettuce and ... I have no idea what else but it's absolute heaven in a bite. Little wafts of steam come up off of it. It's what a tuna melt would be if it would just grow the f*** up. Your sommelier suggests pairing with a can of Rhubarb Soda. This is lunch, but the fact is, after a hot sardine sandwich, I can't do any meaningful work for the rest of the day. I am in a food coma. And I never want to wake up.

Crisps

For those who didn't read Scottish Cuisine, here's a recap: in the UK:

french fries are called chips.
Potato chips are called crisps.

Got it? Let's roll.

The first thing you learn about crisps is ... you can't buy a big bag of them in the UK. You know how big a Tyrell's bag is, right? (Tyrell's being the only brand of UK crisps you are likely to find in a US supermarket). That's as big a bag of crisps as you will ever find here. Or think the normal size bag of Kettle Chips or Cape Cod.

It is pretty common to get six-packs of crisps here, each with a little handful of crisps. That's as much as you get. They are not terribly expensive, if you buy an individual bag to go with your sandwich. But you will not fill up on one. Do not attempt to fill a Super Bowl size Party Platter with these chips. They won't cover the bottom.

There are no Lays here in the UK. It's Walkers all the way ... although the logo does look suspiciously like Lays, doesn't it? Do you think they might be owned by the same international conglomerate? Yup. Pepsi. Now you know.

Are UK crisps any good? Mmmmm, yeah they're fine. They're not the slam dunk that sandwiches are, but they will do. And they've got interesting flavors here in the UK:

Cheese and Onion - There aren't any Sour Cream and Onion crisps in the UK. Instead there is cheese and onion. If you are a fan of onion powder (who isn't?), you'll like these. The cheese is not great, especially compared to real Scottish and English cheese. And you know how I feel about UK cheese.
Prawn Cocktail - These are immensely popular, and for good reason. The first time I stuck a prawn cocktail crisp in my mouth, I was absolutely converted. It really tastes like shrimp cocktail. How do they do this? I can only marvel.
Marmite - If you like Marmite ... and you know who you are ... you'd have to agree that it's the perfect crisp seasoning. An umami bomb par excellence. Not to be wasted on Americans.
Salt and Vinegar - Of course, this now-popular American flavor was a UK import. When you go to a chippie (fish and chip shop), you must douse your chips in salt and malt vinegar. This is the crisp equivalent, made for British nostalgia I'm sure, but the UK version dials down the vinegar quite a bit. The US version is so sour, it's like eating a margarita.
Roast Chicken - Like prawn cocktail, the similarity between this crisp and an actual roast chicken is uncanny. There are the usual poultry seasonings like thyme, but I think there's real chicken stock in them. Ooops, just about swallowed a bone there.

And then there's one crisp-adjacent snack food I must plug:

Hula Hoops are little pipes of corn, rice and potato. They taste kinda like a Pringle. English expatriates in the US say they have cravings for these - definitely the food of their childhood. I really like them. Amy has more grown up tastes, and abhors them.