Scottish Cuisine

Every culture has its emblematic food. France has tender, juicy escargots. Australia has Shrimp on the Barbie. New York City has chopped cheese.

What does Scotland have?

Its Own Food Group

Haggis.

When I told people Amy and I were moving to Scotland for 6 months, their number 1 response was, "What about haggis? Are you going to eat haggis?"

So let's address that elephant in the room. Or rather the sheep in the room. Haggis. What's it all about? Well, I can tell you a few things.

Not all Scots eat haggis. That is good. That means there is more the rest of us.

Because I won't lie - I really like haggis. But the only haggis I know is the modern, slightly touristy version served at most Scottish restaurants.

Authentic, old-fashioned haggis is sheep pluck (heart, liver, and lungs) mixed with oatmeal and boiled in a sheep intestine. I'm not even sure where to buy this version - definitely not at the Waitrose (the UK version of Wegmans, but 10x better).

I've seen pictures of the old-fashioned stuff. shudder. I'm not going to post those pictures here, as you might have just eaten breakfast. I have never smelled it, but it just looks like it smells bad. I don't blame the occasional Scot disavowing authentic haggis. It probably deserves its bad rep.

Modern haggis is just a little random meat mixed with LOTS of onions and LOTS of herbs and LOTS of filler, mostly oatmeal. There are many vegetarian versions of it, and they taste almost exactly like non-vegetarian haggis because ... really, it's all about the filler. Haggis tastes like thanksgiving stuffing. Or tofurkey.

It's not too much different than a hot dog. A hot dog is just random meat, garlic salt and filler. You don't question that, do you? Well ... maybe you do, but then you are not haggis' target demographic.

Burns Night, January 25, is traditionally celebrated with Haggis, Neeps and Tatties, as pictured above. (Neeps are turnips or rutabaga, which the Scots also called Swedes. Tatties are potatoes). It's the equivalent of St. Patty's Corned Beef and Cabbage or Super Bowl Sunday's Buffalo Wings. It's a marvelous dish, often served as an appetizer in touristy restaurants in Edinburgh. It's creamy, crunchy, a little sweet, very fragrant and comforting. As Paul Hollywood says, "It ticks all the boxes."

The English have a close relative of haggis called Blood Pudding. And yes, it has actual blood in it, but no more than a steak. It is also full of filler and spices, and is also lip-smackin' delish.

Am I gonna eat haggis? Hell yeah. But Scottish cuisine is so much more...

Breakfast

Haggis and Blood Pudding are part of a Full Scottish Breakfast a/k/a Full Scottish.

Any Edinburgh hotel restaurant serves a Full Scottish Breakfast and charges you an arm and a leg for it. The arm and leg are then made into more haggis. Behold, the Circle of Life.

The entire catastrophe comprises eggs, ham, bacon, haggis, blood pudding, a roasted tomato, mushrooms, tatty scones, toast and ... weirdly ... Heinz Baked Beans.

They must be Heinz. Only Heinz baked beans have the requisite tomato/sugar balance. You wouldn't buy any other ketchup than Heinz, right? Well you don't put any beans other than Heinz on a Full Scottish. (They hate ketchup by the way.)

Full Scottish is a close relative of the Full English Breakfast, only differing in the haggis (which are substituted with sausages) and tatty scones (which are omitted).

Although it's a lot of items, there are just a smidge of each. Nevertheless, a Full Scottish will get you over any mountain in Scotland, including Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh or Ben Nevis, the highest peak in the UK. Or it will send you back to bed. How you deal with a Full Scottish is your own affair.

Though hotels serve it, no one makes a Full Scottish Breakfast at home because they'd have no time to do anything else. So what do the locals eat for brekky?

• Porridge - Ya know, Oatmeal. This is my breakfast of choice. You can get rolled oats here, but they are too dainty. I prefer Porridge Oats which are like oatmeal dust, cheap as topsoil (actually cheaper) and look like a mess in your bowl. Boil it for 4 minutes on the hob. Top it with Lyle's Golden Syrup, a heavenly UK-only substance that looks like honey and tastes like sticky toffee pudding. There is no better breakfast on planet Earth.
• Sausage/Bacon Roll - This is just an Egg McMuffin with no egg or cheese. Uh, what's left? (1) Meat (2) bun. But OMG what a bun! It is so soft and fluffy, like a piping hot Thanksgiving dinner roll, but big as a cat's head.

• Tatty Scones - The tatty scone is a tremendous invention - essentially a biscuit made with mashed potatoes and flour, then browned in a skillet. It's a little like a pancake. You can plop some butter on them, or use them as a scoop for your eggs ... you know, like a Scottish tortilla.
• Regular Scones Regular scones are great too. I took a Scone Baking Masterclass at the Edinburgh New Town Cookery School, and my repertoire includes raisin scones, lemon scones, and cheese and rosemary scones. I'll make you some if I get back to the States ... sorry, I mean when I get back.
• Wheetabix - The UK's most popular cold breakfast cereal, Wheetabix is just Shredded Wheat with lots of annoying commercials on the BBC. Most Wheetabix becomes seagull food. The seagulls are not happy about it.
• Muesli - The Scots make subtle nods to their Viking heritage, and this is one of them. Splash some almond milk on it, and this is Amy's brekky of choice.

• Marmite on Toast - For those who don't want to dick around with your Scottish breakfast, this is as direct as it gets. Marmite is a brown spread of yeast extract. There is no way to describe how yummy this stuff is on "brown toast" (which is just wheat toast). Some say it is an acquired taste. I say ... have you acquired a taste for brown food? Isn't is always good? This is no exception, muh friend.

Lunch

• Ploughman's Lunch - In my mind, the Ploughman's Lunch rivals France's Pan Bagnat as the best sandwich ever. It's pretty basic: grainy/seedy bread, lettuce, tomato, cheddar cheese (the good stuff, meaning anything), and pickle. But pickle in the UK means an amped-up relish with cucumbers, onions, courgettes (zucchini in American terms), vinegar and sugar. Friggin' yummy. Whenever Amy and I hop a midday train for god-only-knows-where, I grab a Ploughman's Lunch at the local M&S.
• Rocket Lettuce - Americans call this arugula. But here it is cheap, plentiful, and about twice as tasty, with that bitter edge that a great salad dressing sets off nicely. Amy is the Queen of Salads, and most every lunch we had in Edinburgh was one of her creative variations on salad. But the constant in all of them was rocket lettuce.

Dinner

• Potatoes - You might think there are only three kinds: russets, yukon gold and red. Here in the UK, they have a dizzying array of varieties, and they are very particular about which to use for what purpose. Aarin Pilot, Maris Bard, King Edward, Maris Piper, Vivaldi, Blue Belle, Jazzy, Nicola ... think of the confusing barrage of apples in a an Ithaca Wegmans, and that's what it's like shopping for potatoes here. I wouldn't refuse any of them.

• Monkfish - It's hard to believe this is fish. Wild caught in Scotland, monkfish is stringy like beef instead of flaky like tuna or other kinds of fish. It doesn't fall apart when your fork touches it. You gotta struggle with monkfish a little. It is absolutely worth it.
• Fish and Chips - No thanks. I had them twice in Edinburgh and once in London and that burnt me out. This fish is usually batter-dipped, monster-sized haddock. It tastes OK but is just too basic, I guess. I am not a fan of the chips either - which are what the Americans would call Steak Fries. UK Potatoes are too good to waste making chips. It's like using Waygu Beef in Cheesy Mac Hamburger Helper.
• Lamb - I saw a bunch of lambs in Orkney. Too goddam cute. 'Nuff said.

Pudding, a/k/a Dessert

• Cranachan - We were in our favorite Stockbridge restaurant and asked why they don't have Cranachan on the menu - that is, raspberries with whipped cream and whisky-soaked steel cut oats. "We only eat that on Burns night," our waiter replied. "The only restaurants that serve it all year are tourist traps." Another dead giveaway: haggis-topped pizza.
• Shortbread - At £1 for a pack of 10, shortbread is ridiculously good. It is the same Walker's Shortbread you buy in America, but 1/3 the price. A great makeshift dessert: one slice of strawberry on top of a bit of shortbread. Classic.

• Lemon Posset - The UK loves lemon posset, and I have to say it's my favorite dessert in Scotland. Lemon Posset is just panna cotta without the gelatin - instead relying on the natural pectins in lemon to firm up the cream and a little sugar. The kind I had was topped with a rhubarb compote. Scotland is a great rhubarb haven, and when it's in season they grab massive armloads and preserve it any way they can.
• Sticky Toffee Pudding - Classic stuff, this is Amy's favorite dessert in the UK. Fortunately, it seems that every restaurant and pub makes it. It's not pudding in the Jello sense - it's a lump of sugary spicy cake with warm toffee sauce and (if you're lucky) a slowly disintegrating blob of vanilla ice cream on top.

Night Time

• Oatcakes - The biggest pleasant culinary surprise I've found in Scotland are oatcakes. They are crackers made out of mostly oats and sunflower oil. The authentic ones from Orkney are wedge-shaped, but most conventional ones are round. You can get smooth oatcakes, rough oatcakes (the best) which are like whole-wheat bread, and seeded oatcakes which are a little too posh for my taste. I finish just about every day in Edinburgh with oatcakes, mature cheddar and some kind of chutney (hot mango or onion). Pair that with a wee dram or a Rhubarb G&T ... and it's off to Slumberland for ye.
• Cheddar Cheese - Speaking of which ... the perfect oatcake topper. Even the cheese they consider junk, which is still only £4 a block, is better than about the top shelf New York or Vermont stuff. It's very mature and has little crunchy bits like Parmigiano Reggiano. Smoked cheese, Wensleydale and Stilton are also really wonderful.

And To Wash it All Down

• Irn Bru - Coca-Cola is the most popular soft drink in every country in the world except one ... yep, Scotland. In Scotland, Irn Bru, an orange-coloured soda, reigns supreme. What does it taste like? It's like cream soda and ginger ale mixed together, but not quite like that. It really is unique. Also gross. One can is my lifetime limit.
• Whisky - Where to start? Needs its own blog post. Coming soon.
• Rhubarb-Ginger Gin and Tonic - If the Highlands and Islay are whisky havens, Edinburgh is all about small-batch artisanal gin. Whereas London Dry has a juniper and citrus focus, Scottish gin goes more for herbs like rosemary. There are lots of different brands, but I love Edinburgh Rhubarb and Ginger Gin the best. Pair that with Fever Tree Indian Tonic for the perfect summer drink. It tastes a little like Blue Raspberry Kool Aid ... but in a good way.

What's It All About?

So what is the common thread in all of this? In Scotland, you eat what you can find. It's tough to grow stuff in the soil here, but oats and potatoes do well. Rocket practically grows wild, as do wild leeks and garlic. Fish is plentiful, and tinned fish have their own section in Waitrose. Sheep are all over the place. As as for the barley and peat ... well, they can all become whisky.

Locally-sourced, farm-to-table food looks like a modern invention, but in Scotland it never went out of style. While the rest of the world promiscuously dabbled in other cuisines, the Scottish spent an extra fifty years perfecting the art of haggis, neeps and tatties. They weren't so interested in exporting it. They'd rather you get your ass over to this beautiful country and taste it for yourself.

Come and get it!